Stop. Reset. Restart.

Is this is a simulation or a movie or a fever dream? Sometimes the plot is so intense and surreal, the last week being a very poignant example of how strange the universe can be.

When the power went out in Portugal while I was walking the Camino de Santiago I didn’t realise it was going to be a literal sign to stop. With the simultaneous news of my whāngai brother’s mother passing it was then a signal to power down and reset a bit.

With the power literally off, and everything stopping in Portugal for a day I only just managed to get to Tokyo. 4 days to grieve and reconnect with whānau for what was an unexpected period of, well enlightenment.

I could tell you about the moments in the ceremony where I felt mum sitting next to me. The calming of mind from listening to the priests chant. The joy of hanging out with kids and two of my best friends and feeling like WE were kids again. The unpacking of years of grief. How special and incredible Masahiro’s mum is. All of that and more was special and will be memories I will cherish forever.

But these moments also changed me somehow unexpected.

I better understand that it’s about the journey you’re on, right now, not so much the outcome. When all our outcomes are the inevitable same, it’s what we do while on the way there that matters.

For as long as I can remember I have always pushed myself to prove something. What? Why? I don’t really know to be honest. But I do know it is time to reframe things a little, restart and focus on the journey.

I’ve been stuck for some time trying to get that point, not that I fully get it yet but I think I now know where to start looking.

Physically I’m heading back to Portugal to meet Holly and we will recommence our Camino. Instead of being in a hurry to knock off the kilometres each day I think I have found a new context. They say you find enlightenment while on your Camino pilgrimage. I wasn’t sure if I should expect Jesus, God or some other deity to leap out from behind a bush. Enlightenment comes in many different ways. For me it took a little detour to Tokyo but I think emotionally and spiritually I am better on that path now.