Flying Introverted
Hello, I’m Vaughan and I’m an introvert. The weird thing is most people think I am an extrovert. This is probably because of my TEDx talks on doing impossible things and being weird, and how I have spoken to audiences of thousands of people. Perhaps it is because I have successfully pitched to VCs and raised lots of money. They see me on TV and I host parties and events. I am described as a charismatic leader. I like to sing and do theatre. So, yeah, people assume I am an extrovert and I am like that all the time.
Actually, like a lot of people, I am an ambivert meaning depending on the situation I can be as introverted or extroverted as I am comfortable with. It’s a spectrum and we all have our happy place along it and like to bounce around in the middle somewhere.
I move around the spectrum depending on the situation, who I am with and how many beers I have had. But naturally, where I am most comfortable, is being an introvert. I like to have quiet time to myself and my thoughts, a lot. The more I extrovert, the more I need to spend being an extreme introvert to recover.
As I oscillate this confuses people. One minute I am loud and charismatic and the next I am sitting quietly by myself. Is he depressed? No I am just naturally an introvert. But as I have swung both ways I have learnt that being an introvert is pretty fucking cool and also terribly misunderstood.
Perhaps you are an introvert, perhaps you are an extrovert. Here are 6 things I want to share with you about being an introvert, ambiverting, and how to understand us all a little bit better.
ONE — INTROVERTS HAVE A VERY PARTICULAR SET OF SKILLS
As an introvert you have a pretty fucken mean super power. You listen and consider everything carefully. By far the smartest people I have met have been extreme to the left cant-make-eye-contact introverts. They also tend to be the most joyous, creative and fun to be around too. The deep thought and analysis skills you possess are awesome. While extraverts often need to talk to process their thoughts, you are not burdened by the need to vocalise everything all the fucken time.
And here is how this super power works. When an introvert speaks, people pay attention.
This is because you only bring up things you have thoroughly considered. People who have experienced this remember the last time you spoke up and shut the fuck up, the rest forgot you were even in the room and are so startled they pause to listen to this strange insightful voice coming from the corner. Not to say the introvert get’s it 100% right, but you can be sure it is well considered (and actually mostly right in my experience). As I am somewhere in the middle of the spectrum depending on how I am ambiverting half of the things I say can be misinformed garbage. But listen to the introverts. It takes a lot of energy for them to speak their views, so pay attention, it’s going to be good.
Also introverts often don’t think people want to hear our views, or we don’t want to interrupt because we are too fucking polite. So try asking an introvert what they think some time. You will be surprised.
TWO — AMBIVERSION CONFUSION
Those of us who can ambivert can be loud. Oh hell yeah we can. We can be social and spend hours at networking events. We can stand in the front of 1,000 people and talk about subjects we care passionately about. I am incredibly comfortable in front of a camera or a packed auditorium. I have a public persona I use for these sorts of events. It is still me, I am not acting like anyone else, I am just ambiverting to the extroverted version of myself who swears a little too much and tells really bad jokes. I do countless events and I have met more people than I can possibly remember the names of (often to my future embarrassment). All these things are hard work and the price to pay for using all this public energy is we need to then go hide in a dark hole for a long time to recharge. Where extroverts get energy from these sorts of public interactions, introverts are drained.
Ambiversion confusion means I am constantly confusing, annoying or offending people who see my high energy extrovert malarky and then spend time with me after and find I don’t want to even strike up a conversation. I wish I had a t-shirt that said “It’s not you. I just suck at small talk”.
Just explain to people that you are naturally an introvert, so please excuse it if we become mute or hide in the bathroom for no apparent reason.
THREE — WE CAN THINK WE ARE BEING JUDGED ALL THE TIME
We think people are judging us, constantly, and we are paranoid — wait is this only me?? Yeah, some of the time the judgement is real because they don’t understand introverts. Most of the time that judgement is all in your crazy paranoid introvert head. “Get out of your fucking head all the time” says my partner, to me, often.
Real or imaginary (I can never tell), I channel the judgement and paranoia into doing cool things that confuse and inspire the fuck out of people. Like cycling around the world, getting a paid gig singing in front of 100 people, running 1,000km or starting a hi-tech startup in the middle of the GFC — all because somewhere along the line someone said I couldn’t do it. Perhaps I have a bad attitude to when someone says I can’t do something but that generally pisses me off because it’s usually because of their own inhibitions. So I take pleasure in showing them how terribly wrong they are.
People always judge people, we are silly silly humans this way, but there is great pleasure in using someone’s underestimation of you to blow them away when you do something they thought they could never do.
FOUR — NO WE ARE NOT ALL DEPRESSED
There is an often perceived connection between introverts and low self esteem or depression, mainly when the main environment for our social interaction is in person like at the office or in group social settings.
Don’t confuse shyness or low self esteem for just not caring much for loud people, places and opinions. Introverts may adopt some of the ambivert skills being loud and brash as needed, or embracing the quiet and just caring less about what people think of you. But when we are not high energy it’s not because we are all sad or depressed. Well, not all the time. Like everyone we all have good days and bad days, it’s just that we don’t wear our hearts on our sleeves so it can look like we are having eternal internal struggles even when things are tickety-boo.
FIVE — WE DO ACTUALLY LIKE BEING AROUND PEOPLE!
Introverts for sure do like their own company, it’s true. But from time to time we also like to be engaged in groups of various sizes. We are all different and baffling as can be demonstrated by my handy guide on the optimal number of people I like to be around:
1 person: OPTIMAL, heaven, it’s just me and my thoughts
2: UGH painfully awkward unless it’s a bestie, my love or someone I live with
3–5: KINDA OK as long as someone else is doing most of the talking
6–50: FUCK small-talk nightmare. Oh god, am I networking?
50+: STRANGELY OK if I am up front doing all the talking and everyone else is listening.
Introverts like to listen and think a lot so social situations where they need to be in the centre and lead the conversation are tough, but not impossible. As long as we have time to think without pressure we are generally happy. However once in the zone on subject matter we are confident in you may not be able to shut us up. We like people, we just need some time to be comfortable sharing our thoughts around them.
SIX — INTROVERSION DEPENDS ON THE MEDIUM
Someone’s introversion or extroversion will likely depend on the medium used for communication. On the internet nobody knows you’re a painfully introverted dog.
Asynchronous communication is heaven for an introvert. You can have long discussions on Twitter explaining why someone is wrong. You can become a thought leader in your field via a blog. You can write thoughtfully insightful long emails. For an introvert being able to consider and ponder and collect your thoughts away from the horror of real-time channels like small talk at a party or a meeting full of noisy talkers allows us to express ourselves in the best way. Introverts tend to care a lot about the words they use. It can just take them a little time to pick the right ones is all. This post has taken me months to write and I’ve re-written it 3 times.
So there you go. I hope this has helped us understand the spectrum of *verts a little better. Feel free to discuss this all with me sometime in a loud busy social environment, or just post a comment. Whatever you are most comfortable with 😱😥😃😎.