Goodbyes at the Beach

The day is getting late and drawing to a close. As I drive the rain burns in my headlights and my wipers cry as they struggle to wipe away the greyness. I pull up at the beach running late as I always seem to be these days. Time is dead against me. I have to meet someone to say sorry. It’s kinda complicated, but lately, saying sorry is something I am becoming a bit of an expert at.

My first attempt at saying sorry was a month ago and Amy was probably the worst person to practice my new humility on. The plan was to say sorry for me being a bastard those years ago when I walked out on her. Well actually, as the truth must be told, we walked out on each other. It happened on holiday down at the beach, ironically at the very place where we had first met and fallen in love as kids all those years before.

That day at the bach I told her some home truths, and she slammed the door on me as I left. And so that was that until my visit last month. She opened her front door again to me. It had been seven years and she stood there with the a look of disgust, like I was a door-to-door salesman selling some dirty story. I told her I was sorry for how it all ended and I hoped she is having a good life. She stood there, mouth ajar, wobbly wheels spinning slowly in her head, breath held and finally exhaled a scream. Her door slammed closed again on us forever.

It wasn’t quite what I had planned out in my head. In my version she invited me in, I told her how sorry I was, she said she “that’s okay, I’m the one who is really sorry for cheating on you!”. We had a coffee and a hug and I waved her good bye. But hey, this way seems more fitting. She was always a bitch, I never really saw it.

Somewhat higher on my list was Matt, my oldest and best mate growing up. He lived a couple of streets away as kids and we were inseparable. We would rollerskate across town to the spacie parlour with our five buck stack of twenty cent pieces each. All day we would conquer a new empire, save the girl together and then rollerskate home through the dusk. As we raced the dark back across town on sixteen wheels we felt like we were flying. The world was all ours.

All summer long he would come over and swim at my house. We would try to blow each other up with fireworks in November. Go camping at the beach and find new romances, those were the best summers ever. But then we both started at college and started seeing less and less of each other. I was put in the smart class at school and Matt in the class earmarked “dropouts”. And then I guess it just wasn’t right for either of us to be seen or to associate with each other. I became a Prefect and he a regular member of Mr Clydes after-school detention. We would from time to time ride our bikes home from school together, usually by accident, but then he started catching the bus and we just drifted apart.

I didn’t quite know how to deal with my apology to Matt so I guess that’s why fate had us bump into each other at the doctors office one day. He had cut his hand at his work at the mill but could still manage to wrap his arms completely around me in a bear hug. “how are you me old mate?” he asked with a chuckle, I didn’t feel able to tell the truth so I told him I was grand. I had heard Matt was battling depression, he was on a long run of misfortune according to the neighbourhood grapevine. The mill was the latest in a long line of go nowhere jobs for him. His partner recently left with the kids and he was now living back at home with his parents. I thought about his old bedroom and wondered if it was the same, with Masters of the Universe action figures sprawled across the floor and Iron Maiden posters on the wall. His eyes told me he was very happy to see me.

I felt like I let him down somehow. My oldest and “bestest” mate ever but I ran out on him too. We talked for ages. “Hey I am sorry things have been a bit crap for you lately” I told him. I was really trying to say “I am sorry I was never there for you when you needed it.” but thats not the sort of thing you say. Not to old mates. He looked at me with a sad blankness but then gave me a cheeky smile and then started telling me about some new chick he was chatting up in the mill office. He was okay. Perhaps if I had tried harder to stick with with him at school then things could have been different, but then maybe not. Perhaps for me but not for him.

“It’s been really good catching up mate” he said with his good hand attempting to crush my left shoulder. I gave him a jab in the side and my phone number and told him to ring me. I knew he wouldn’t, well not in the next four months anyway. That was three months ago.

Mum was the easiest and the hardest. I hugged her. “I’m sorry mum” I said with my eyes tightly shut hoping she would make everything right again. She said nothing and everything was all put back together for five perfect minutes. I could hear her breathing and it sounded like the ocean and as I kissed her cheek her tears tasted like those salty summers at the beach, for the last time.

Then there were all the others. I said sorry to my brother for forgetting his birthday without fail every year. The old guy who ran the book store at the beach I used to pinch comics from. That summer holiday girl I sent anonymous Valentines Day cards to. My list was kinda long and told a somewhat strange story of my various short comings.

The rain has stopped now and the beach is empty. The bach’s lights blink slowly on like fairy lights down the coast. It is not quite high tide so I guess I am a bit early, it makes a change. I wait and watch the tide reclaim the days sandcastles and all the eternal love notes scrawled in the sand with sticks. My cancer has made me good at waiting but I guess that will come to an end soon. I am late for that end too. The docs gave me a couple of months four months ago but I guess there is no fixed schedule. The waves are getting closer and closer.

How did I get myself here?

I thought I had the world at my feet. Now there are only the waves lapping at them. My final apology is late. I picked the beach as it seemed right. Here I fell in love, broke hearts, got drunk with Matt, lamented my lost youth, dreamed about the future and contemplated life when it was getting me down.

“I am sorry, I kinda let you down.”

“No worries mate we let each other down.”

“I was always expecting great things for us you know.”

“Hey, likewise. Likewise. The tide is coming in fast!”

“Yeah, and then out. Smoothing the beach clean, as usual.”

“Like we weren’t even here.”

“Yeah. I’ll miss you mate.”

“Yeah, catch ya, I guess”

“Heh, Yeah, on the other side?”

I wonder what will be there, the other side, I thought. It sure is getting dark now.